Thursday, May 31, 2012

dark days

some days it's really easy to sit here and say "yeah i'm totally cool with biggs" and continue on my day/life like i totally mean it. other days my brain is telling me something completely different. along with my heart. those days suck ass. no other way to really say it. sorry. those days punch you in the gut and take super small pieces away from you.

i'm not talking about depression. i'm not talking about a serious disease or something like that. today i'm going to open up about something only a few of you may know about me. it's not even really that serious....just something i really don't like talking about to many cause it hurts and it comes off complainy and whiny and i'm not cool with that.

i really want another baby and my hubby doesn't. i know that i will never have another child unless there's some freak accident with my birth control which i know won't ever happen because it's really not that hard to remember to take a simple little pill every night. so yeah there it is.

to you it may not seem like a big deal. "oh you already have a beautiful happy" or i get those other lovely comments "'re still both really young, you totally have time left." umm.....she's already 10. time has passed. in 8 extremely short years, she's legally an adult. ADULT. then there will be college. then grad school (maybe) then she'll meet some guy (or girl who knows?) and they'll want to start a life together. then the life may bring me grandkids........

i didn't have a "normal" pregnancy. A was born 6wks early via c-section. i never got as far as Braxton Hicks, or having my water break, or anything "normal" women experience. didn't even have a baby shower or time to really mentally was "'re going to be a mom today by 4pm" and out walks the doc and in walks the nurse to prep for surgery. after 2wks in NICU we brought home our little 3lb110z preemie. at 20 years old i dealt with all of this. i had hopes of having another child. but those hopes never happened.

i can talk big game about being "ok" with everything. that i'm totally happy with only having one child who is so completely awesome, and i am totally happy with one child who is so completely awesome. but i would have loved to have had a sibling for her. one that's not walking on 4 legs, completely hairy and answers to the name "Max". but there are days when seeing women pregnant that it kills me. that i just want to cry because i'm so completely jealous and envious. days when seeing friends pregnant make me feel that same way, even tho i'm so completely happy and excited for them! and even knowing that their kids will bring such happiness not only to them, but to me as well, because i can help out and snuggle them anytime i want......but it still hurts.

i know that when A is out of the house it will be just weird. so quiet and empty. and hubby and i have grand plans of travels, but doesn't everyone? no more waking in the middle of the night. no more dirty stinky diapers. no more worries about playdates, which preschool is the best, which teacher is the right one, silly school age drama.......none of that. it'll be different worries.

did i do the best that i could for A while she was little? did we spend enough time together? did we teach her how to be a good adult? did we show her how a happy marriage works so she knows how hard it is to work at it? these will be my worries when she's grown. but not now.

 now there are others that come and go. there will always be those. along with an empty feeling some days. 

so yeah.....i can talk big game about being "ok" and "everything's fine".......but some's not. and that's ok. i know these feelings and am working on them. i'm so thankful for what i do have in my life. i love my lil family so amazingly much. even my extremely fuzzy lil boy, Max.


  1. A is a great kid and you are doing an amazing job raising her to be a wonderful human being. Look how proud she makes you already. :)

    The last time I got that longing for another child I ended up having twins, and it hasn't come back since. LOL

    Maybe one more discussion with you DH wouldn't hurt. It's worth a shot if it's still something you really feel you need/want to do.

  2. I sooo get this. I married someone who didn't want kids thinking he would change his mind. I mourned hard when I realized he wasn't changing his mind about babies. HARD. For years. Walking by the baby aisle in Walmart could knock the breath out of me. As you know, after ten years of marriage he became open to older child adoption and our girl has been with us for two years now. I always wanted three little girls. Her trauma issues have made me quite satisfied it just having her! I guess that's a silver lining of trauma? LOL Anyway, sounds like you're mourning, too. (((hugs))) Be gentle with yourself.