alright....sheesh. haven't been on here since MARCH!!! good grief! so here's a quick re-cap
march: hubby and i did end up going away for our 10yr anniversary. we took a weekend trip up to Santa Barbara and stayed an a great b&b and we also took a great wine tasting tour of the Santa Ynez Valley. if you ever get the chance to stay and take the tour, it's very very well worth it!
april: CRAZY MONTH!!!! the 2nd our baby girl hit the big double digits. we had some of her friends over as well as some of ours to celebrate. the kids slept over and were up half the night. hubby's mom also came out from NY to celebrate the weekend with us and that was fun. on the 28th, i turned 31 and we celebrated that with friends, good food and plenty of laughs.
may: so far it's been quiet....just random things winding down the school year and starting to plan summer activities. over the past Memorial weekend our little town hosts a Cajun Festival. our family looks forward to it every year and can't wait to go!! there's such great food, vendors, amazing music and it's such a great time. we get to get a small taste of food from "home". Southern Sweet tea, bbq pork ribs, gator tail, sweet potato pie.....oh man.......just so so so good.
june starts tomorrow. A will be done being a 4th grader on the 13th. i am still not ready mentally for her to be a 5th grader. but i've got time for that. we've got a few end of the year things to help out with at school then it'll be a few summer camps over the next couple of weeks and i'm sure endless days with friends and sleepovers.
june will also bring something pretty big in our family. our very first NEPHEW!!!! my hubby's brother and wife are expecting their first baby and he will be joining us sometime this month! we're all crazy excited but the distance is killing us! they're in FL, while we're all the way over in CA. But we'll be seeing them this December and will be there to celebrate his very first Christmas!!!!
with this arrival you'll finally see me being crafty again! i've been in such a horrible creative funk!!! i've even considered re-naming the blog because of it! but i'll be busy with some projects that i'll be sharing soon over the summer break.
hope all is well with everyone! i've added an email contact to this site if anyone has any suggestions, questions, thoughts, links to share....anything!
xoxo
amanda
Thursday, May 31, 2012
dark days
some days it's really easy to sit here and say "yeah i'm totally cool with it....no biggs" and continue on my day/life like i totally mean it. other days my brain is telling me something completely different. along with my heart. those days suck ass. no other way to really say it. sorry. those days punch you in the gut and take super small pieces away from you.
i'm not talking about depression. i'm not talking about a serious disease or something like that. today i'm going to open up about something only a few of you may know about me. it's not even really that serious....just something i really don't like talking about to many cause it hurts and it comes off complainy and whiny and i'm not cool with that.
i really want another baby and my hubby doesn't. i know that i will never have another child unless there's some freak accident with my birth control which i know won't ever happen because it's really not that hard to remember to take a simple little pill every night. so yeah there it is.
to you it may not seem like a big deal. "oh you already have a beautiful daughter....be thankful...be happy" or i get those other lovely comments "oh...you're still both really young, you totally have time left." umm.....she's already 10. time has passed. in 8 extremely short years, she's legally an adult. ADULT. then there will be college. then grad school (maybe) then she'll meet some guy (or girl who knows?) and they'll want to start a life together. then the life may bring me grandkids........
i didn't have a "normal" pregnancy. A was born 6wks early via c-section. i never got as far as Braxton Hicks, or having my water break, or anything "normal" women experience. didn't even have a baby shower or time to really mentally prepare....it was "ok....you're going to be a mom today by 4pm" and out walks the doc and in walks the nurse to prep for surgery. after 2wks in NICU we brought home our little 3lb110z preemie. at 20 years old i dealt with all of this. i had hopes of having another child. but those hopes never happened.
i can talk big game about being "ok" with everything. that i'm totally happy with only having one child who is so completely awesome, and i am totally happy with one child who is so completely awesome. but i would have loved to have had a sibling for her. one that's not walking on 4 legs, completely hairy and answers to the name "Max". but there are days when seeing women pregnant that it kills me. that i just want to cry because i'm so completely jealous and envious. days when seeing friends pregnant make me feel that same way, even tho i'm so completely happy and excited for them! and even knowing that their kids will bring such happiness not only to them, but to me as well, because i can help out and snuggle them anytime i want......but it still hurts.
i know that when A is out of the house it will be just weird. so quiet and empty. and hubby and i have grand plans of travels, but doesn't everyone? no more waking in the middle of the night. no more dirty stinky diapers. no more worries about playdates, which preschool is the best, which teacher is the right one, silly school age drama.......none of that. it'll be different worries.
did i do the best that i could for A while she was little? did we spend enough time together? did we teach her how to be a good adult? did we show her how a happy marriage works so she knows how hard it is to work at it? these will be my worries when she's grown. but not now.
now there are others that come and go. there will always be those. along with an empty feeling some days.
so yeah.....i can talk big game about being "ok" and "everything's fine".......but some days.....it's not. and that's ok. i know these feelings and am working on them. i'm so thankful for what i do have in my life. i love my lil family so amazingly much. even my extremely fuzzy lil boy, Max.
i'm not talking about depression. i'm not talking about a serious disease or something like that. today i'm going to open up about something only a few of you may know about me. it's not even really that serious....just something i really don't like talking about to many cause it hurts and it comes off complainy and whiny and i'm not cool with that.
i really want another baby and my hubby doesn't. i know that i will never have another child unless there's some freak accident with my birth control which i know won't ever happen because it's really not that hard to remember to take a simple little pill every night. so yeah there it is.
to you it may not seem like a big deal. "oh you already have a beautiful daughter....be thankful...be happy" or i get those other lovely comments "oh...you're still both really young, you totally have time left." umm.....she's already 10. time has passed. in 8 extremely short years, she's legally an adult. ADULT. then there will be college. then grad school (maybe) then she'll meet some guy (or girl who knows?) and they'll want to start a life together. then the life may bring me grandkids........
i didn't have a "normal" pregnancy. A was born 6wks early via c-section. i never got as far as Braxton Hicks, or having my water break, or anything "normal" women experience. didn't even have a baby shower or time to really mentally prepare....it was "ok....you're going to be a mom today by 4pm" and out walks the doc and in walks the nurse to prep for surgery. after 2wks in NICU we brought home our little 3lb110z preemie. at 20 years old i dealt with all of this. i had hopes of having another child. but those hopes never happened.
i can talk big game about being "ok" with everything. that i'm totally happy with only having one child who is so completely awesome, and i am totally happy with one child who is so completely awesome. but i would have loved to have had a sibling for her. one that's not walking on 4 legs, completely hairy and answers to the name "Max". but there are days when seeing women pregnant that it kills me. that i just want to cry because i'm so completely jealous and envious. days when seeing friends pregnant make me feel that same way, even tho i'm so completely happy and excited for them! and even knowing that their kids will bring such happiness not only to them, but to me as well, because i can help out and snuggle them anytime i want......but it still hurts.
i know that when A is out of the house it will be just weird. so quiet and empty. and hubby and i have grand plans of travels, but doesn't everyone? no more waking in the middle of the night. no more dirty stinky diapers. no more worries about playdates, which preschool is the best, which teacher is the right one, silly school age drama.......none of that. it'll be different worries.
did i do the best that i could for A while she was little? did we spend enough time together? did we teach her how to be a good adult? did we show her how a happy marriage works so she knows how hard it is to work at it? these will be my worries when she's grown. but not now.
now there are others that come and go. there will always be those. along with an empty feeling some days.
so yeah.....i can talk big game about being "ok" and "everything's fine".......but some days.....it's not. and that's ok. i know these feelings and am working on them. i'm so thankful for what i do have in my life. i love my lil family so amazingly much. even my extremely fuzzy lil boy, Max.
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